How did we get here?

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. My first marriage at 31 and his second at 39. He was married for 15 years without any children and always was told it was due to him. When we first got married, I believed that God wanted us to have children. It was one of those things that Todd made known to me pretty early while we dated. He even had a name picked out and honestly I had to get used to it but it has since grown on me. The crazy thing is he had picked out 2 middle names which was what my grandmother named my homemade "cabbage patch like" doll when I was 5. So I thought it was fate that we would have a kid.

Since we had a late start, we tried right away, believing it would happen any day. We went to an urologist about 6 months in our marriage to determine if Todd could do anything to help his "swimmers". The urologist said it wasn't so bad but may take a few years. He gave Todd a supplement that didn't help much. We waited to see an OB/GYN who specialized in fertility issues almost a year after our wedding. He said we simply needed to do IUI and we would be pregnant in 3 months. (Doctors should not say that!)

During our third IUI attempt, which seemed perfect in a lot of ways, Todd had a heart attack after running a 5K. He actually was training for a marathon which he had done in the past. I found out the IUI failed while he was in the hospital. Let's just say, that was a bad time. Although he had a heart attack, you would never know it. He had 2 stents placed and an angioplasty completed, but was up driving the nurses crazy the first day. He was in ICU (since that was required after a heart attack) doing laps and begging for a shower. He only had 2 weeks of cardiac rehab before they kicked him out.

After our fourth IUI, we stopped. I was getting ready to return to the school system as I work as an occupational therapist in the schools. Our doctor recommended we try IVF. I prayed about it for almost 6 months. I really didn't want to do that as I thought God would simply give us this child that Todd dreamed about and I knew was destined to be. Each month went by and sadness continued. After about 3 months, we went to an infertility group. We learned a lot of information and since it was at our church, we were surprised about how many were going the IVF route. About 5 months into my prayers, we went to two different doctors that we found out about in our group. Todd was ready for IVF, I wasn't. The more we talked though, the more I thought God was leading us into this path. On Dec. 29, we started our first IVF cycle. Today we got the results: negative. I truly thought God was saying to go this route, so now I am confused. Todd is ready to do it again. I am ready to pray for 30 days for God's guidance of what we are to do.

I know we will have kids. I don't know how or when. I don't know if we will adopt (which has always been a desire of mine) or have them from my belly (which Todd is convinced is the way it will occur for at least one). I don't know and that scares me.