2nd week of the wait

Todd is the master seller-- he sold about 1/2 of what I did on Sat. with 1/4 of the people-- it makes me wonder how much we could have gotten if he was home on Friday!

This week so far has been crazy-- yesterday I worked and had 3 evaluations. I was in pain (since Monday) when I sat up as my ribs were hitting something swollen. The nurse said I probably was overstimulated due to having more than 20 eggs but that unless it is horrible, they can't do anything.

Today, it is gone. So it makes me wonder if I am not pregnant since they say that it gets worse if you are pregnant. We will find out tomorrow. Todd wanted me to take a HPT, I did not since I don't want to be disappointed anymore (even though he said it isn't for sure until the blood test).

Let's hope tomorrow is good news

Did I do too much??

So, today my cul-de-sac had a garage sale-- counting the camera I sold on Craig's List yesterday, we profitted about $220-- not too bad. It is crazy though when we were trying to get donations for Nadia (the girl we will be hosting this summer with the orphan exchange program), how hard people try to pay as little as possible. I sold a putter for $10-- I know for a fact that my mom paid $50 for it and it is on ebay for $30. I only sold it for Nadia since I don't golf much since my husband hates it but really. I know I could have said no, but he was driving me crazy and I had 3 groups of people trying to pay at the same time so I just relented because I was tired of him.

So now that I am done for today-- I have had horrible cramping. Did I do too much? Will it impact the embryos? I hope not, if we are pregnant, we most likely will sponsor another child for this summer. We just don't want to use all our money if we need to pay for meds next month.

2ww

The 2ww has to be the worst thing. This time I am not working and so I notice it a lot more. I have tried to stay busy planning and prepping for the neighborhood garage sale this weekend, but it is not the same as work. I have taken this new mission to find a family to host a child from God's Waiting Children program this summer since we will have Nadia. I haven't had much luck which is crazy to me as it is only 3-4 weeks. Can't people take 3-4 weeks out of their crazy summer schedule and help out an orphan? I will still work a few days and Todd will still go to work so it is possible to continue your life while hosting. I would think it is simply acting like a family-- most of the parents I know, stay home or they work in the school system (and we are out of school).

My crazy life...

So, we had our transfer yesterday with 2 blastocysts-- don't know quality and probably that is good. I do know that it was Flag Day and I had wanted to get married on this day two years ago but Todd wanted Christmas time so we compromised with March. However, I take it as good luck. There were 4-5 that were at the morala stage so they were letting them grow for another day (day 6). The doctor thought maybe we could get 2 out of those. This afternoon they called to say that we have 3 that will be frozen and counting the 1 from before, we have a total of 4! I am looking forward to a FET cycle if this one doesn't work (hopefully it will but just saying)!

In the meantime, Sunday night I received an email about a program that brings orphans to the US that I helped with chaperoning events several years ago. This time they are bringing a smaller group for 3-4 weeks which would be perfect for us. I was hooked and after having Todd look at the profiles, he picked several that he thought would be a good fit. On Monday, I spoke with the lady in charge and found out that none of the kids had been picked so Todd got his first choice and he is thrilled at the adventure. Usually, I talk him into things (except IVF where he had to talk me into it). So, we will be hosting Nadia who is 10 years old for 3-4 weeks in the middle of July to the middle of August. I am thrilled to be able to do this-- whether or not I am pregnant. Her birthday is in Sept, so we are also planning on throwing her a birthday party before she goes back to Ukraine so she has a celebration for her birthday (since they don't celebrate at the orphanage). It is a blessing to have something else to think about and plan.

Last, I am in the 2ww. I wish it would fly by but this time I am ok with whatever happens (it is nice to know that I won't have to have injections for a month with the FET so maybe that helps). Prayers are appreciated with all these things!

Change in plans...

Yesterday we were suppose to have our ET but I received a phone call early that said they are changing it to Monday. The embyro's are still growing and so they want to do a day 5 transfer instead. The problem.. I got this message when I woke up at 8 and they didn't call me back until noon when we were at a store (we gave up and went since we didn't hear back from them). When I finally talked with the nurse, she stated that all 13 were growing as of day 3 but they don't list quality so she doesn't know how many would likely survive by day 5. I hope for at least 2 :) If I get more, that will also be an answer to prayers as I really hate the medication and a FET doesn't require the injections!

I still feel nauseated but I hope that at least I have a reason for it in a few days!

Sick...

I feel sick. I am taking antibiotics and medrol for the assisted hatching so I know I am not but I have been nauseated all day today. The plan is to do 3 day transfer tomorrow-- I am still sad that only 13 were fertilized out of the 22. Hopefully, one of them will survive. I really don't want to ever do this again-- I hate the meds especially the injections.

What has happened since last post...

Well, May was draining, frustrating, and I questioned a lot. I thought my job was not helping my fertility issues so I interviewed a few places after someone I work with mentioned jobs that may be closer to my home. In a miracle, I went to an interview I didn't want to go to and was convinced it was too far from home. While there, I learned that I would be working with preschoolers 4 days a week, one MH classroom which is K-3, and another day in another district which my old student/friend works. After being offered every job I applied for and my old work doing everything to keep me (promising districts closer to my home), I went with the preschool job because it is truly what I love but is still 45 min. away. However, it was a very hard decision because what if I got pregnant this summer. That is what I want but I would be starting a new job and I really would like to not work when a baby comes (at least for the first year).

So, we were able to start our IVF cycle this month. We had the egg retrieval yesterday with 22 eggs reported (they thought I only had 13) but this morning we found out only 13 out of 16 were fertilized. I still don't know what happened with the 22 that they reported but I guess I need to focus on the 13.

The Good News

I have been bummed in some ways that we had to wait until May to start another round of IVF. On Friday, I figured out why God may have delayed this. I am currently covering a maternity leave in which the therapist was suppose to come back to work in early May at least 3 days a week (previously she was 5 days). This Friday she came into the office with her baby and talked with administration. She is not coming back this school year. That simple fact has increased my workload at least double if not triple since now I am in charge of all the end of the year paperwork, summer programs, evaluations, meetings, and make-up time from my hospitalization and mono absence.

I also tutor in handwriting and recently have had a lot of calls and emails asking for me to help various children. I usually avoid starting kids now and try to have them wait for the summer as my work is usually extremely busy this time of year. Since I thought Jackie was returning to work in a few weeks, I have started 3 more students which takes a lot of time.

So, I am praying that May will be our month that IVF will be a go and it will work. I have to remember that I can give my best at work but I can't kill myself giving all my energy to my job if I want to have kids. My new motto is do my best, do what needs to be done, but don't be perfect or a "miracle worker." I will get all the therapy time in for these kids, try to teach them a few things, and help them see that working on their fine motor skills can be fun.

Postponed....

Sorry for the month delay of no communication. Todd kept wanting to do shared risk and so I folded. I was trying to hear God on this but... Todd's voice was loud so I never could hear anything else.

When we were in the middle of our first IVF attempt, Todd had severe stomach pain around my retrieval but he didn't want to go to the hospital and "waste all that money." He also was extremely upset when he had a 99 temp one night while I didn't think anything of it. He was in the hospital the weekend that I started my period which showed us, it didn't work. We neve knew what was the issue.

Well, now we know. I was in the hospital in March for four days. I had a low grade fever but within 6 hours I was severely dehydrated. This past month I have had a lot of tests done with everything "normal." Several days ago, the doctor called at 9:30 to inform us that although we had two prior tests which showed I didn't have mono, that I had mono recently. Looking at how adults respond (chest pains, blood pressure/rate issues, etc as well as a 30-50 days after exposure that symptoms appear), we are pretty sure that is what Todd also had and why I got it. It is so rare to get this when you are an adult since most have the antibodies in their blood. We decided that we didn't kiss enough people in our teens.

So the doctor told me that since my liver enzymes are high that we should talk to the RE about doing IVF this month (which Todd had planned all along since he thinks we are having twin on Feb. 18-- who knows where he gets these things!). Todd called and talked with the nurse and she said everything was fine and no issues of starting the IVF. I had already emailed the doctor about it earlier and today the same nurse called and said we needed to wait a cycle. The difference-- I personally think it was the "shared risk" where they don't want to waste a cycle if my system is out of sorts but willing to try if it was all us :)

Bothered by comments

When ever infertility comes up, it seems someone always has a story. Tonight, we heard a story on how everyone she knew who tried infertility treatment, only one ever had success. She told us that all the others had kids once they gave up. I love those stories, they are so encouraging! NOT! These people hear these stories because they are the "miracle" stories that everyone talks about-- they are not the stories of "we tried a few treatments and it worked!"


When we talk about praying about our decisions, it seems like we get the "God will provide." I believe God will provide... but that doesn't mean that God only wants you to have kids if we do nothing-- how many cocaine addicted moms did God want children to go to?? Does God want us to adopt? Oh, another popular belief is that once you adopt, you will get pregnant. Only 5% of people who adopt due to infertility go on to have a biological child (and honestly I know of one but they did IVF). Comments like that are hurtful. It is like telling someone who just lost a loved one, we should be happy that they are in a better place. I know that people are saying things because they think they are encouraging. We need to educate these people that what they are saying while meaning well is not what someone needs to hear at the moment.


My last comment that hurt me is from my family member. She didn't directly say it to me but rather to another family member and I found out in a weird way. Anyway, the comment was "we desperately want kids." This person knows very little about any treatments we have tried nor any real details. She only knows we wanted to have kids. I guess she assumes this since we don't have kids yet. When I think deperate, I think someone who is consistently doing treatments or only thinking about kids. Neither are us, I want kids but I also am living my life. I will not go in debt to have kids nor will I sacrifice my beliefs or "do anything" to have kids. Maybe I just don't know what desperate means.

Money

Isn't it ironic that those who have no money tend to be the ones that get pregnant without any trouble? The ones that are responsible with their money struggle with the infertility issues. Should we spend our savings on this or should we wait? Will God give us our children without us going broke? Todd is convinced we should do shared risk. I am not sure. I like the security of getting money back if it doesn't work but I don't like thinking we have to do it that many times. Also, if it does work the next time, that baby cost a pretty penny and we won't have the things we need to take care of that baby (since we will have used all our savings).

Decisions.. Decisions...

My husband is driving me crazy wanting to know what we are doing. Didn't I mention I wanted to pray for 30 days? Patience, grasshopper, Patience!


The doctor called us on Monday after our beta was 0. He said he would change a lot of things if we did it again. He said there were some egg quality issues, although the 2 embryo's that were transferred were day 3 8-cell grade 1 and day 3 8-cell grade 2. We had 6 others; one wasn't able to be fertilized, one did not grow after being fertilized (we used ICSI), and the 4 others were not great quality. We were told we had a 10% chance that any of the four would make it to blast-- one did so maybe we can beat the odds. He said he would use assisted hatching if we did it again as well as more antibiotics. He also said he would change the meds to help the quality but didn't give us specifics on that. I did have much more peace about everything after talking with him and having our questions answered. He said we should still qualify for shared risk so we may go that route (again, my husband wants to know "NOW" -- does it matter, we can't do it now-- we have to wait until May at least as I have a maternity leave I am covering and really can't miss any work until I am done with that coverage). Technically I was to start that coverage on the day we found out our beta so no time to do anything for at least 8 weeks. I need my job to afford this.

So, we are to today. My husband called me up at work letting me know that we could get a credit card with 0% interest. Wants to know if we should do that? Wait-- we don't need to do anything now. Honestly besides our house and my student loan, we have no debt. We were working on paying off the student loan and somewhat following Dave Ramsey's teachings. I don't want to charge my kids nor do I think God wants us to charge our kids. I think Todd is in a panic because it didn't work this time and he thought it would work. I never had a strong feeling about it this time, I wanted it to work but May has always been in my head. Two rounds full cost is cheaper than shared risk. I am not in a panic. I just wish he would allow me my 30-days-- even if we make every decision today, nothing will be done until May so there isn't an advantage of figuring out everything today.

How did we get here?

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. My first marriage at 31 and his second at 39. He was married for 15 years without any children and always was told it was due to him. When we first got married, I believed that God wanted us to have children. It was one of those things that Todd made known to me pretty early while we dated. He even had a name picked out and honestly I had to get used to it but it has since grown on me. The crazy thing is he had picked out 2 middle names which was what my grandmother named my homemade "cabbage patch like" doll when I was 5. So I thought it was fate that we would have a kid.

Since we had a late start, we tried right away, believing it would happen any day. We went to an urologist about 6 months in our marriage to determine if Todd could do anything to help his "swimmers". The urologist said it wasn't so bad but may take a few years. He gave Todd a supplement that didn't help much. We waited to see an OB/GYN who specialized in fertility issues almost a year after our wedding. He said we simply needed to do IUI and we would be pregnant in 3 months. (Doctors should not say that!)

During our third IUI attempt, which seemed perfect in a lot of ways, Todd had a heart attack after running a 5K. He actually was training for a marathon which he had done in the past. I found out the IUI failed while he was in the hospital. Let's just say, that was a bad time. Although he had a heart attack, you would never know it. He had 2 stents placed and an angioplasty completed, but was up driving the nurses crazy the first day. He was in ICU (since that was required after a heart attack) doing laps and begging for a shower. He only had 2 weeks of cardiac rehab before they kicked him out.

After our fourth IUI, we stopped. I was getting ready to return to the school system as I work as an occupational therapist in the schools. Our doctor recommended we try IVF. I prayed about it for almost 6 months. I really didn't want to do that as I thought God would simply give us this child that Todd dreamed about and I knew was destined to be. Each month went by and sadness continued. After about 3 months, we went to an infertility group. We learned a lot of information and since it was at our church, we were surprised about how many were going the IVF route. About 5 months into my prayers, we went to two different doctors that we found out about in our group. Todd was ready for IVF, I wasn't. The more we talked though, the more I thought God was leading us into this path. On Dec. 29, we started our first IVF cycle. Today we got the results: negative. I truly thought God was saying to go this route, so now I am confused. Todd is ready to do it again. I am ready to pray for 30 days for God's guidance of what we are to do.

I know we will have kids. I don't know how or when. I don't know if we will adopt (which has always been a desire of mine) or have them from my belly (which Todd is convinced is the way it will occur for at least one). I don't know and that scares me.

The Results

Well it's been almost a two month process but we learned the results of our IVF cycle today. It was negative; we aren't pregnant. This wasn't a complete shock to us since Beth started her period yesterday. The blood test today was just the punctuation point on what we already knew.

So now we both have so many thoughts going through our head. Doubt, sadness, and a desire to try again make up our conversations. The doctor called us while we were at Wal-Mart to tell us we didn't get the desired results (no kidding) but now we have a list of questions for him before we try again. So now it's all about waiting again. Waiting for them to call us back, waiting to try again and waiting for children that we both know we will have.